There is a saying. Maybe not a saying. Maybe it's just become a crazy internet meme (which to my generation is just as good as a saying). True friendship is one that can have no contact for excessive amounts of time but when you do see each other, it's like you never left each other. I have been lucky enough to have witnessed this in my life.
It was a Sunday afternoon when I picked him up from the train station. We had made the decision to take an impulsive and impromptu road trip during the summer because we both had time off and a couple of bucks saved up. So after 2 years of not seeing each other, and only the rare and unexpected phone calls or text messages, we set sail, so to speak.
To preface this story, I have become a loner in the last few years. I have gotten very comfortable with my life at home, and have been in the same place for years now. Over the past year, I have settled down with my roommates and I have been very content with how my life has ended up. There are moments of emptiness and difficulty, there can be no other way in a life like mine, but I have surrounded myself with a group of people who are so absolutely spectacular that I have convinced myself that I am happy here. If I am not in immediate peril, I am always content.
So, used to my solitude, I agreed to a road trip with one of my best friends. We have been through a lot together. I have seen him through his struggles and he has always been kind and supportive through mine so I could only assume that a road trip together would be epic. I was not wrong.
In true impulsive fashion, we left like thieves in the night at one o'clock in the morning. He turned to me and said, "Are we doing this?!" and my only thought as to a response was, "Hell yes!" So we left, filled the tank and were headed south in my small hatchback. I was in a trance for the first leg of the journey and when we finally realized how long we'd been in the car, we were in New Jersey. I looked at him from the driver's seat and said, "We could always turn around...this seems like a really stupid idea now..." He insisted that we needed this. I believed him and he was in no way wrong...
So we continued. I took pictures all the way down (one in particular will always be my my favorite of me flipping off a "Virginia is for Lovers" sign) and we ventured like no one else ventured before. We got caught in rainstorms that I could have only fathomed without witnessing it, we got caught in traffic as a reaction to the worst car crash we have ever seen. We saw giant lifted southern trucks and the funniest bumper stickers we've ever witnessed. He had the bladder of a tiny child and constantly had to pee, so our final stop on the way was at a truck stop off of 59 in Mississippi where he told me he had the most scenic and wonderful pee of his life. While I was in the car, however, there was the a truck creeping up to the driver's side of the car and I immediately swapped seats and shouted for him to get in the damn car.
So regardless of our delightful drive down, we finally got down to New Orleans. We're driving over bridges bigger than I've ever seen in my entire life. We're driving by palm trees (PALM TREES!) which for a kid from Massachusetts is something entirely new. We finally get into New Orleans and each of us washes the road off (and trust me, it was some nasty stuff). We go out and grab a drink, because New Orleans is supposed to be a constant party. The whole plan was about going to New Orleans. It was all about going to the birthplace of some of the best music in the country. It was all about getting some serious creole food.
The trip became something wholeheartedly different during our time. There was a moment on this trip. A moment that I'm not even sure that I am willing to be honest about right at this moment. There are very few people in this world who I love unconditionally. There are very few people that I trust completely with my life and my soul and my person. He is one of them. It was a complicated realization to come to. I am not sure how it actually happened. We went out drinking for a night and I don't remember the last time I felt so completely connected to another person. I know that it was a whiskey fueled night, but I genuinely can't remember feeling so deeply for another person and genuinely trusting them with me. I trust very rarely. This was a feat.
And then we were back on the road. We made awesome time and I was in full road-trip beast mode. I hurried back, probably because I was scared and I had every right to be. I am back in my bubble right now, and I am miserable. I spent 7 whole days with another person, non-stop, without apology. I was myself, I was not putting on a front as I so often do. I spent 7 days being myself and being with this person. Now, as I sit in my self-prescribed isolation, I find myself so lost. I find myself listening to music we heard on the trip and bringing myself back to Virginia. I find myself listening to podcasts that were suggested by him. I find myself not sure what to do with my days now that we are not visiting shady, creepy gas stations selling ninja stars. I find myself suddenly not enthused by my sheltered little bubble. I wish so desperately that I was back on the road. I wish we were witnessing box-men. I wish we were dancing in the car, completely damaged. I would even wish to be a sloth over this uneventful sadness.
I am now sitting in my bubble realizing that somehow I may have acquiesced to mediocrity. I spent 7 days with another person and loved them more for it. This is something that I was not sure if I was capable of doing. This has rocked me to my core because I have spent years just assuming that I am incapable of being around another human being for an extended period of time. I assumed that apparently because of who I am and what I've gone through, I will die alone. I have joked about it since I was young (see Recluses, Eccentrics, and Babies) but I started to genuinely believe it as time has gone by. I don't necessary think I am the kind of person who will ever be, just happy. I will never be, just happy.
I also have very little patience for other people. I find myself back in my bubble trying to make lists of things that pissed me off about him, but it doesn't help. It was the first time that in spite of his flaws, in spite of his problems, I was just happy to be near him. I was happy to have someone with me who I knew loved me as I am.
This road trip gave me a few things. It gave me the hope that someday, I can actually be a fully functioning person again. It also gave me the realization that I am in it for the story and I will always be an exploratory person who is so willing and excited to do as much stupid stuff as is possible before I die. It also reminded me of the kinds of friends I deserve. I deserve a person who loves me as much as I know he does. I deserve friends who will love me because of my flaws and not in spite of them, Because, what New Orleans and this road trip taught me, I'm pretty fucking awesome.
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